Logs and Shanties
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- Alex New, he's a Kestrels Commy / by Matthew
- The custard song / by Rachel
- An open letter to Mr. Bird of Bird's custard / by Rachel
Alex New, he's a Kestrels Commy
to the tune of 'Tracey Jacks' by Blur
by Matthew / kestrels b 2010
by Matthew / kestrels b 2010
Alex New
He's a Kestrels Commy
Alex New
It's steady employment
Alex New
Is a crossword fanatic
Alex New
But his boat is just plastic (cruiser)
Alex New
Likes to take a day sailing
Alex New
The traditional Broads way
Alex New
But he's getting past 40
Alex New
And all the tides are turning.
Chorus:
Every year at Potter,
He shot the bridge, felt he oughta
"I'd love to moor up and be normal
But it's just so overrated."
Alex New
Goes back on the cruiser
Alex New
Where all the sofas and loos are
Alex New
Spends an afternoon baking
Alex New
And turns out a crumble (custard)
Alex New
Likes to take up a challenge
Alex New
Chasing fenders and frisbees
Alex New
Is usually classy
Alex New
But this time he failed.
Bridge:
And then it happened on a Thursday lunchtime,
Alex New started quanting around in the trees
I think he's gone and lost it.
[guitar solo]
Alex New
Quanted through a forest
Alex New
Took up pruning with the forestay
Alex New
Lost the topping lift and burgee
Alex New
And all the trees came falling.
He's a Kestrels Commy
Alex New
It's steady employment
Alex New
Is a crossword fanatic
Alex New
But his boat is just plastic (cruiser)
Alex New
Likes to take a day sailing
Alex New
The traditional Broads way
Alex New
But he's getting past 40
Alex New
And all the tides are turning.
Chorus:
Every year at Potter,
He shot the bridge, felt he oughta
"I'd love to moor up and be normal
But it's just so overrated."
Alex New
Goes back on the cruiser
Alex New
Where all the sofas and loos are
Alex New
Spends an afternoon baking
Alex New
And turns out a crumble (custard)
Alex New
Likes to take up a challenge
Alex New
Chasing fenders and frisbees
Alex New
Is usually classy
Alex New
But this time he failed.
Bridge:
And then it happened on a Thursday lunchtime,
Alex New started quanting around in the trees
I think he's gone and lost it.
[guitar solo]
Alex New
Quanted through a forest
Alex New
Took up pruning with the forestay
Alex New
Lost the topping lift and burgee
Alex New
And all the trees came falling.
The custard song
to the tune of 'We plough the fields and scatter'. Transcribed with difficulty from a specially purchased packet
by Rachel / kestrels b 2010
by Rachel / kestrels b 2010
Birds Instant Custard
You make it special
In the time it takes to
boil a kettle!
Empty the sachet into
a large measuring jug
Pour on boiling water
Up to 3/4 pint level.
Birds Instant Custard
You make it special
In the time it takes to
boil a kettle!
Whisk briskly (or stir well with
a fork) until smooth
and creamy ensuring all the powder
is mixed in.
Birds Instant Custard
You make it special
In the time it takes to
boil a kettle!
You make it special
In the time it takes to
boil a kettle!
Empty the sachet into
a large measuring jug
Pour on boiling water
Up to 3/4 pint level.
Birds Instant Custard
You make it special
In the time it takes to
boil a kettle!
Whisk briskly (or stir well with
a fork) until smooth
and creamy ensuring all the powder
is mixed in.
Birds Instant Custard
You make it special
In the time it takes to
boil a kettle!
An open letter to Mr. Bird of Bird's custard
by Rachel / kestrels b 2010
Dear Mr. Bird,
You have clearly never been on Kestrels. If you had been on Kestrels, you wouldn't be making such outrageous claims about the simplicity and speed with which your custard powder may be reconstituted. May I suggest a more realistic set of instructions appropriate for the extreme adverse conditions the Kestrel faces?
First, make sure you have a measuring jug before leaving the boatyard. Leaving your measuring jug behind is an easy mistake to make, and can make the art of custard reconstitution unnecessarily challenging.
Secondly, tear off the top of the sachet. It's worth finding a sheltered spot in which to do this, as you can guarantee that it won't tear off straight, and if the wind catches it, the sticky powder will blow in all directions. It is at this point that you will realise you have left the crockery drawer open, and that its entire contents are now covered in custard powder. If it is raining at the time, you may find that you have a thin film of custard across the whole of the cockpit. If this should occur, take care not to slide on it whilst you continue your preparations.
Pour on boiling water; hmm... This simple phrase gives a rather unrealistic impression of the facility with which boiling water may be obtained. Our kettle takes at least half an hour to boil, which means you should have read these instructions half an hour ago, and that because you didn't, you are already half an hour behind and will be late for cabin club, leaving your skipper and/or mate to do all the clearing up. Or, in the case of Wood Anemone, leaving the boat to tidy itself.
When the water is finally boiling, do your best to judge three quarters of a pint. This is a particularly delicate manoeuvre, for which it's best to crouch down so that the mark on the jug is at eye level, and pour the hot water increasingly slowly and carefully as you reach the desired amount. Just as you tip the kettle to pour the last few millilitres, a cruiser will charge past at high speed, causing your boat to rock suddenly and violently from side to side. Now suddenly you have a lot more custard than you expected. This could be seen as a bonus, as long as you don't mind it being a bit thin.
At this point you reach for a fork, and discover that they are all covered in Bolognaise. A short interlude will follow whilst you locate the washing up equipment and clean a fork. By the time you've done that, the custard will have amalgamated into a solid mass at the bottom of the jug. Do not be deterred by this; if you stir it with sufficient vigour, you can break it into smaller lumps, and perhaps even get most of it to dissolve. Do not expect to achieve a perfect creamy texture; this is the preserve of the commodore alone. It takes decades to hone the custard-making expertise necessary for such an exalted rank.
In summary Mr. Bird, may I suggest that you come and spend a week on Kestrels, where you can learn from the master how to make custard properly.
Kind Regards, etc.
Wood Sorrel
You have clearly never been on Kestrels. If you had been on Kestrels, you wouldn't be making such outrageous claims about the simplicity and speed with which your custard powder may be reconstituted. May I suggest a more realistic set of instructions appropriate for the extreme adverse conditions the Kestrel faces?
First, make sure you have a measuring jug before leaving the boatyard. Leaving your measuring jug behind is an easy mistake to make, and can make the art of custard reconstitution unnecessarily challenging.
Secondly, tear off the top of the sachet. It's worth finding a sheltered spot in which to do this, as you can guarantee that it won't tear off straight, and if the wind catches it, the sticky powder will blow in all directions. It is at this point that you will realise you have left the crockery drawer open, and that its entire contents are now covered in custard powder. If it is raining at the time, you may find that you have a thin film of custard across the whole of the cockpit. If this should occur, take care not to slide on it whilst you continue your preparations.
Pour on boiling water; hmm... This simple phrase gives a rather unrealistic impression of the facility with which boiling water may be obtained. Our kettle takes at least half an hour to boil, which means you should have read these instructions half an hour ago, and that because you didn't, you are already half an hour behind and will be late for cabin club, leaving your skipper and/or mate to do all the clearing up. Or, in the case of Wood Anemone, leaving the boat to tidy itself.
When the water is finally boiling, do your best to judge three quarters of a pint. This is a particularly delicate manoeuvre, for which it's best to crouch down so that the mark on the jug is at eye level, and pour the hot water increasingly slowly and carefully as you reach the desired amount. Just as you tip the kettle to pour the last few millilitres, a cruiser will charge past at high speed, causing your boat to rock suddenly and violently from side to side. Now suddenly you have a lot more custard than you expected. This could be seen as a bonus, as long as you don't mind it being a bit thin.
At this point you reach for a fork, and discover that they are all covered in Bolognaise. A short interlude will follow whilst you locate the washing up equipment and clean a fork. By the time you've done that, the custard will have amalgamated into a solid mass at the bottom of the jug. Do not be deterred by this; if you stir it with sufficient vigour, you can break it into smaller lumps, and perhaps even get most of it to dissolve. Do not expect to achieve a perfect creamy texture; this is the preserve of the commodore alone. It takes decades to hone the custard-making expertise necessary for such an exalted rank.
In summary Mr. Bird, may I suggest that you come and spend a week on Kestrels, where you can learn from the master how to make custard properly.
Kind Regards, etc.
Wood Sorrel