Logs and Shanties

Chorus:
Woodcut II, Woodcut II
We have a really wicked crew,
Early in the morning,
We take off the awning
The sails get stuck while they are going up.

All on the Mallards cruise they know our name,
Sometimes we get to sail,
Sometimes we're rowing,
Tack, Gybe, we can never be sure,
Either way we just hit the floor.

When we were out today in the hot bright sun,
We were four abreast,
Cruisers in confusion,
Then crash, bang the boat runs into the shore
Then it's Puffin, Ken towing us once more.

The night before last I got to sleep in reasonable time but I was woken by a voice shouting, 'get your head inside that tent' and a bright torch light. I quickly realised that my head was sticking out the side of the tent so I readily pulled my head into the tent and went to sleep. The next day I bashed my head on the boom nine times which didn't help. As soon as we got back we started playing football. Gareth dived for a corner and landed on, you guessed it my head! It was very painful!! Last night, bright light. I opened my eyes and realised that it was morning and my head was sticking put of the entrance to our tent!

Chorus:
I'm I'm I'm a survivor
I'm I'm I'm a survivor

While on Barton Broad
Our tactics were flawed
Graham's boat we did hit
With our pointy bowsprit
And it broke

The mast it came down
Our skipper did frown
Then Samuel and James and Richard
They hit the floor

We sailed out today
Our woes went away
And now we are planning to do it
All over next year.

Chorus:
Nuts on Hazelnut
Mallards take them and they learn to sail.

One tack, two tack, three tack, four
Then we need to tack some more
Skipper says we are going to gybe
Sam didn't listen, now he's over the side

One gybe, two gybe, three gybe, four
The boom comes over and you hit the floor
Cooklet says it's time for food
That puts everyone in a good mood

One tow, two tow, three tow, four
We jolted forward and skipper swore!
Crew says can you watch your language Clive
Always remember to count to five!

One cup, two cup, three cup, of water
We always told to drink as we ought to
Then of course Sam wants a pee
Before you know it your on T.V.

One pull, two pull, three pull, four
Now let's try it using an oar
Commy says we've got to get to How Hill
We hope that's not rowing else we'll be ill!

Chorus:
Hazelnut, can we rig it!
Hazelnut, yes we can!

Richard and Heidi
Skipper and mate
James, Sam and Helen
That makes eight
(Err.. 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. 7.. SEVEN)
Working together to get the job done
Yes we are having so much fun!

Sam is desperate to go for a pee
Once he's done it, he tells us with glee.
James is only happy when he's playing with his knots
Richard joins in as he steers the yacht!

Helen the cooklet joins our fun
Now she's joined us there is no sun
There's our skipper, he's to be feated
The one the only, Clive Beard

Chorus:
Hazelnut, can we rig it!
Hazelnut, yes we can!
Hazelnut can we rig it,
Hazelnut, COURSE WE CAN!

I thought sailing was only meant for old folks,
Fine for over fifties but not for us!
Mallards came to get me
Saved us from our boredom in the holidays.

Chorus:
Then I saw Ken's face
And he was a sailor,
Not a trace, of doubt in my mind
He loves God
Oh he's a believer,
He's a believer as he should

We tried to shoot the bridge at Potter Heigham
Failed miserably and scraped the mast,
The skipper got quite angry, the mate didn't mind
So we sailed on!

We went to Barton Broad at 12:54
We went there to start a great big war
First we tacked out there
Then we sailed around until the horn...

We all live in a Hunter's half-decker
A Hunter's half-decker
A Hunter's half-decker
We all live in a hunter's half-decker
That's what we all live in!

We all live in a Hunter's half-decker
We didn't like the colour so we painted it black,
Black didn't suit it so we painted it red,
Red wasn't waterproof so now we are dead!

The crew of Sundew they went on the Broads
In a beautiful wooden boat
Now Andy can sail... but we did have to bail
So skippers please do take note.

Now our skipper looked up at the sail above
And said with a great "oh dear!"
Oh crew, oh crew, oh what shall we do?
That boat it is so near, so near
That boat it is so near!

They travelled away for a week and a day
To the land where the water is green
And there on the bank, was their skipper who stank
And everyone else held their nose, their nose
And everyone else held their nose

Oh skipper, oh skipper you smell like a kipper
And your feet they noxiously hum
Your teeth are revolting
Your knees are insulting
But you do have a lovely... thumb
You do have a lovely thumb

Now we do have a shower
So you'll smell like a flower
So what do you really think
You just jump in the drink
And then we can tow you behind, behind
And then we can tow you behind!

There are some moments in history that should not be repeated. The Battle of Little Big Horn. William Shatner's version of 'Strawberry Fields'. The movie 'Spice World'.

They say that lightning never strikes twice. They're probably right. But history has a way of repeating itself...

For most of you, the day ends shortly after logs and shanties. But for others, the day is far from over. Join us now, as we re-enact a typical evening, in the life of... Duty watch.

In this recreation of the events of last night, the identities of the people involved have been kept the same in order to protect absolutely nobody.

The scene unfolds thusly. Two officers of the Duty Watch are on patrol around the Hickling branch of the juvenile education authority's recreational area, currently in use by the Scripture Union Christian sailing excursion, Mallards; at approximately twelve seventeen AM on the morning of Thursday, fifteenth of August.

AS: Alpha Sierra to Romeo Lemur. Do you copy, over?
RL: No, but I can type, over.
AS: I need a confirmation of your current location, over.
RL: (turns around, sees AS right next to him, shrieks) Right here!
AS: Affirmative. The constellations are certainly in a pleasing alignment tonight, giving a pleasant stratospheric illumination.
RL: You mean the sky looks nice.
AS: Roger.
RL: Ranald.
AS: Right.
RL: No, R a n a l d.
AS: Okaaaaay... Ranald.
RL: Cool. Let's patrol.

[cue Mission impossible style running around for a bit]

AS: Hold it!
RL: Hold what?
AS: Seems to be an unauthorised use of an illumination device in quadrant four-niner-foxtrot-delta-tango.
RL: What, you mean that light over there shouldn't be on?
(together): AGAIN.
AS: Affirmative. I've got a horrible feeling...
RL: Shouldn't have had porridge four days running, then.
AS: (ignoring him) ..that we've got another code 147.
RL: You don't mean?!
AS: I do.
RL: Surely not! Lightning never strikes twice!
AS: No, but snakes do eat birds whole.
RL: So?
AS: I dunno. But I think Vicki's fallen asleep and left her torch on.
(together): AGAIN.
RL: She's got to be kidding. This happened last year. We discussed it this evening. She must be putting it on. There's no way she could really be snoring like that.
AS: You're right. Let's go shake her tent.
RL: (shaking tent) Vicki! This is not happening again! Tell me you're kidding!
AS: She's not. Okay, we've got three options...
RL: Shoot.
AS: No, that's not one of them. We can do nothing. Go to bed.
RL: Wuss out.
AS: Okay, so much for option number one. Option number two?
RL: We wake her up and tell her.
AS: Or, we go in, turn off the light, and write a log about it.
(together): AGAIN.
RL: Why don't we decide when we get in there?
AS: Who's going in? I went in last time.
RL: Only because you knew her better.
AS: Yeah, but you know her now, too.
RL: Yes, but you still know her better. And I'm going to use that excuse the next time this happens, as well.
AS: That's so unfair.
RL: Shut up and open the tent.
AS: Oh no! Velcro!
RL: What are you talking about? You've done this before!
AS: Okay, okay. But we'd better not wake her.
RL: Hmmmm...
AS: Wait! The snoring is occurring in a regular pattern! Quickly, you imitate Miss Savage, and I'll open the zip.
RL: Right!

[RL does snoring noises while AS does zip opening motions and noises in time with them]

AS: Okay, it's open. But there's a new problem.
RL: What?
AS: Do I look in, then reach in, or reach in without looking? Which is more likely to cause embarrassment?
RL: The reaching and grabbing, I think. Best you look.
AS: Okay, I can see it. I can reach it.

[AS reaches inside the tent]

RL: Have you got it?
AS: (still reaching) No... no... NO... no... Ah ha!
RL: Evac! (he pulls AS out)
AS: I can't turn it off!
RL: No, that unscrews it.
AS: Er, you do it.
RL: Okay. (does so)
AS: Clear! Nice work. Can't believe this happened...
(together): AGAIN.
RL: And I can't believe we wrote a log about it...
(together): AGAIN.
AS: Mission accomplished. Target is unaware and still participating in deep nasal inhalation exercises.
RL: So she's still snoring.
AS: Am now returning electromagnetic radiation device to previous location.
RL: What, you're going to put the torch back?
AS: Yes. (he does)